Being an earnest seeker after truth I downloaded the full Joint Report of 8 Decemberin order to discover just how the Prime Minister proposed to accomplish the trick of leaving the single market and the customs union whilst still having no physical border between the European Union, ie the Republic of Ireland, and the UK, ie Northern Ireland.

I searched in vain. There are no practical plans whatsoever in the Report. All there is are statements of intent on “the unique circumstances on the island of Ireland,” relying “to a significant extent on a common European Union legal and policy framework,” on being “committed …. to its guarantee of avoiding a hard border,” and “will propose specific solutions,” “will maintain full alignment,” with the necessary EU rules and “will establish mechanisms to ensure the implementation and oversight of any specific arrangement to safeguard the integrity of the EU Internal Market and the Customs Union.” It has the worthy aims of “what” they want, but nothing of “how”.

How can Conservative MPs hail this Report when the Empress has no clothes? Clearly the Conservatives were desperate last week to have any statement by the deadline that the government, the DUP and the government of Ireland would agree to and which the EU would accept. But simply wishing will not make it happen. It merely postpones the day of reckoning over the Ireland question.

It reminds me of a story that Michael Foot told the House when he was Leader of the Opposition about a conjuror in his Plymouth constituency who asked a well off member of the audience to produce a gold watch. Another member of the audience produced a silk handkerchief, which was placed over the gold watch. The conjuror produced a mallet, and brought it down with some force on the handkerchief and the watch, clearly smashing it. He then said, “I’m frightfully sorry, but I’ve forgotten the rest of the trick.” In a sense, that is just what the Government have done with the Irish borders question.